Friendships Die
Friendships are living things – but, sad to say, they can be dying things too. Their death can be as painful as any death, the stages of grief as difficult. And as they die, the “Why?”, the “What can I do?”, the “Can I do anything?” as baffling too – the ultimate “I’m powerless” as hard to get to, but as necessary.
Friends aren’t family, aren’t lovers. There are no rights in friendship, except to say “I accept,” or, most often in actions instead of words, “I don’t.” Since there’s no bond of blood, as with family ties, when friendship dies it likely is eternal, no chance of reconciliation and resurrection. Even love gone wrong allows for shouting and tears. Not friendship dying – except in private, alone.
Friendships are offered and accepted with no strings, and so the offer can be withdrawn or rejected anytime, no explanation needed. Or maybe needed, but seldom given.
Acquaintance and friendship are different things. You can be acquainted with multitudes, but how many friendships do you have? Close friendships? Often, it seems, such friendships only come in ones – maybe, if you’re lucky, twos – which makes their death the more painful, the greater loss.
I used to think I had friends of 20, 30, 40 years. Now I’m not so sure. Have I been fooling myself? The evidence suggests it – and I wonder if those are still friendships at all, or now something else. Friendships, I’m talking about, not acquaintances. How could I have not seen them changing, perhaps dying? Hearing in memory, Peter, Paul and Mary singing “Where have all the friendships gone?” “When will we ever learn?” Or have I got the lyrics wrong?
But that’s crying in my beer, and I stopped drinking long ago – don’t plan to start again. Hence the necessity of pushing through the grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Just five steps instead of 12, but no easier to take.
At the risk of pathetically dating myself, hearing in memory Bette Midler singing, “You got to have friends”; re-viewing FRIENDS reruns; hearing Frank O’Hara reading his "Having a Coke with You" on YouTube – though I guess that last is more about a lover than a friend. None of those make it any easier when friendships die.
I know they say (I’m sure someone says), “If you don’t have friends, examine yourself.” No doubt good advice, if done honestly, and perhaps profitable – for future friendships, not the dying ones. Though maybe not even much for future ones, because what will you learn, really, that might trick friendship into overlooking your flaws and ignoring your defects – if it doesn’t want to already. Friendship has to take those along with your good – the whole package – to have any chance. For marriage you can change, maybe, with couples counseling or therapy, but no one does that for friendship – nor can be expected to. Friendship is an essence that disappears on too close inspection. Expectations kill it. Recrimination is it’s death knell. It’s there until it’s dead. And then, likely, it’s never there again.
One thing the internet and social media made possible was finding old friends from half a century ago and half a world away. Some of us (I) rushed into it and found some (found the death notices of others, but death happens – it’s a fact), sent them Friend requests – or maybe call them Re-Friend requests. Some didn’t accept, some did. Then a brisk back-and-forth, followed by a slow (or fast) petering out with most. Because what was there to say, after decades, after the first rush? Truth is, we could have stayed in touch all that time, but didn’t. There were reasons why not; those didn’t disappear.
Someone said (I’m sure someone did), “We come into the world alone, and go out of it alone.” Friendships may only be a hope of making that less frightening. I don’t know. For some they may last forever – the short forever that’s a lifespan. I don’t know.
What I do know is that I mourn them when they die – the real friendships. I don’t know why they so often seem to have to. But they do. No amount of explanation, recrimination, wishful thinking keeps them from it. They just do. Mourn them and move on. Is that stage five – acceptance? Easier said then done. “Waiting for my new friends to come?”
(And then a text from across town; and then an email from across the world. Maybe friendship isn’t dead after all - maybe just taking a nap. At my age I understand napping. Naps are good. They refresh, renew, get us ready for better things to come. Even Rip Van Winkle woke up – eventually. To a different world, sure, but still there, alive. Maybe some friendships are just Rip Van Winkles, waiting to wake up. Different, but still alive. So maybe not so bad (or so dead) after all.)